Of Mischief, Mayhem, and Songs
by St. Kitsune
Summary: One fine day, Abarai Renji was wandering down an abandoned hallway. He wasn't the only one who thought he was alone. Suspense! Intrigue! Blackmail! Pop songs from the 80's!
1. In Which There Are Total Eclipses

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach; that belongs to Kubo Tite-sensei. I don't own the song, either. However, Kubo-sensei _did_ miss my birthday, so... oh, let's stop with the dreaming and get on with the show!

* * *

Abarai Renji, Lieutenant of Sixth Division, was walking down an abandoned hallway one afternoon in the Sixth Division's headquarters. Light was streaming through the high windows, giving it a feeling of warmth. The bluebirds were singing sweetly, a mild breeze waltzed through the treetops, and small clouds drifted across the azure sky.

Today was going to be another perfect day in the Seireitei, the shinigami mused.

He continued to wander down the hallway. Without realizing it, he came upon the hallway that led to his and his captain's office. On the slightest of whims, he turned the corner and found himself passing by the office door. This act, seemingly innocuous and unworthy of notice, would set the course for all future interactions between Captain Kuchiki Byakuya and his lieutenant. What those interactions would be like… well, I'll leave that to you, dear reader, after I finish my tale.

As Abarai-fukutaichou walked by the office door, he heard something that he had never heard before. It was pleasing to the ear, and soothing to the mind. A questioning expression grew across the stray dog shinigami's face. He was so tempted to investigate, but the urge to stay where he was and take in the relaxing sound overrode the momentary curiosity.

"It must be some kind of mortal music," he whispered to himself oh so quietly, "'cause I've never heard that song before."

He then noticed a small crack in the door. The aforementioned curiosity flooded back with an all-new urgency, as the song reached a climax that was simply… well, the dense lieutenant simply couldn't think of the words to describe how wonderful the sound was. He crept towards the door, taking pain-staking measures to keep his movements unheard. He carefully peeked through the minuscule opening. Little did he know that what he would see would forever change him.

"… And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever.

And if you only hold me tight,

We'll holding on forever.

And we'll only be making it right,

'Cause we'll never be wrong together.

We can take it to the end of the line,

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.

I don't know what to do,

I'm always in the dark.

We're living in a powder keg, and giving off sparks.

I really need you tonight.

Forever's gonna start tonight,

Forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love,

But now I'm only falling apart.

Nothing I can do;

A total eclipse of the heart.

Once upon a time there was light in my life,

But now there's only love in the dark.

There's nothing I can say;

A total eclipse of the heart."

The rising, jubilant, yet mournful song had come from the most unlikely of sources: (Do I really have to say it?) Kuchiki Byakuya-taichou.

As Kuchiki-taichou vocalized the rest of the melody, Abarai-fukutaichou's mind began some sort of evil machination, one that would alter their futures forever. However, one cannot expect diabolical plans from Abarai Renji that were Aizen Sousuke-caliber, (Don't kill me, Renji fans!) but he did manage to come up with something that would be nearly as devastating.

He decided to contact his good friend, Kurosaki Ichigo. Oh, the fun they were going to have.

* * *

A/N: Well, ladies and gentlemen, there goes the first chapter of my first ever fan fiction. I hope you liked it, and, if you're so inclined, please drop me a line about what you thought of it. Thanks!

The song is "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. Check it out on YouTube; it's boss.

(If you haven't noticed by now, there will be a lot more Byakushi torture, so stay tuned!)


	2. In Which There Are Pancakes and Goggles

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach, or the song mentioned. They belong to Kubo Tite-sensei and Bonnie Tyler respectively. Enjoy!

* * *

It was a lovely Sunday morning in Karakura Town, and there was no other way that one Kurosaki Ichigo would rather spend it than sleep it away. After all, between school, friends, and Hollows, what time did the tangerine-headed teenager have to himself anymore? As he was sleeping soundly, a certain tattooed shinigami leaped up to his window without so much as a creak.

_Ah, this river of chocolate is great! I've never seen so much of it in my life! And what is that? Is that a Social Distortion concert? Awesome! Would you look at that? Inoue's here, too! If this is a dream, no one had better wake me up!_

As it always happens, the things that we want and the things that we're given are rarely the same.

There was a loud knock on the window, which was enough to wake Ichigo from his wonderful, chocolate-imbued dream. The teenager woke with a start, sat straight up, and looked towards his window - the source of the noise. He saw his friend, Abarai Renji, in another one of the ridiculously colorful get-ups that he usually wore when visiting the Transient World. Renji had a silly grin splashed all over his face, as he motioned to Ichigo to open the window.

Ichigo obliged, but not in a pleasant manner. Who could blame him? He slammed the window open, nearly breaking it, and stuck his head out to confront the crouching man.

"RENJI! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT TO BOTHER ME THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING?!"

"Heh heh, sorry, Ichigo, but I've got to tell you something. You'll like it, I promise!"

"I DON'T REALLY CARE! GO AWAY!"

Almost as if the word "away" was a cue, there came a series of thumps across the floor outside of Ichigo's room. Kurosaki Isshin burst through the door without warning, and launched himself into one of his famous "Crazy, Mid-Air Screw Kicks!".

"IT'S WAY TOO EARLY TO BE MAKING THAT KIND OF NOISE, BOY!! GOOD MORNING, ANYWAYS!"

Ichigo had barely enough time to react to the insane attack. As soon as he saw the soles of his father's feet aim for his face, he instinctively grabbed for the older man's ankles. The second he had a good grip, Ichigo stood up on his bed, put all his weight into his right leg, and flung his father across the room. The Head of the Kurosaki Family quickly recovered, even though he had put a huge hole in the wall next to him. With a smile on his face, he gave his son a big thumbs-up despite his apparent pain and bloody nose.

"YOU DEFLECTED DADDY'S CRAZY MID-AIR SCREW KICK! GREAT JOB!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE, AND GO AWAY!"

"Bu-but Yuzu-chan made pancakes just for you!"

"R-really," Ichigo said, pleased despite himself, "well, I'll be down in a minute!"

"Great! Better step to it, boy, or I'll get them all before you!" the patriarch said.

With that, Ichigo's father left. Irritated, he turned to Renji.

"This better be frickin' important," the strawberry shinigami growled, "'cause when Yuzu makes pancakes, they don't stay around for long!"

"Oh, I think this information will be worth both your time and any pancakes you may lose."

"It better, 'cause if not, I'll frickin' kill you."

Renji then commenced telling Ichigo every detail about what he saw and heard not even an hour earlier. Ichigo just sat there, with the most bewildered look on his face. He looked as if he were on the verge of a giggle attack, but he had to confirm what he had heard so that he didn't lose any cool points for nothing.

"Ha ha, so you mean to tell me – ha ha ha – that Kuchiki Byakuya - snort - was actually singing?"

"Yeah, but I don't know what the song was. I could tell you the lyrics, though."

"Go on, then."

Renji then recited what little he heard, but it was accurate. Ichigo then let out another laugh as he walked over to his computer and turned it on. He fiddled around with it for about a second, and motioned to his friend to come inside. He pointed to the screen.

"Was this the song?" He clicked the mouse to start the song. Renji stared at the screen, and watched an odd play that had a teacher that used more hairspray than necessary, some flying ninjas, and creepy kids with glowing eyes. As he listened to the song that was in the background, he nodded in approval.

"Yes! That's exactly it! What is that song?"

"It's called 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. It was a really popular song back in the 1980's."

"I remember that decade!" Renji said in excitement.

"Really? What was it like?" the orange-haired kid wondered.

"Not much different than now, but the Soul Society never really changes. However, that was when I had my super awesome goggles that had a green neon light around the edge. It matched my hair perfectly, and it had everyone talking! But then they got smashed in a fight with a Hollow. That pair cost me half a year's paycheck, too…"

Ichigo had to repress even more laughter. He knew that his friend had odd fashion sense, but that was too much. He shook his head and put a serious look on his face, lest he anger his friend.

"So, why are you telling me this? Other than to entertain me, that is."

"Well, I thought that we could plot a little revenge on Kuchiki-taichou. After all, there's no way that we could let him get away with all the grief he's caused the both of us."

Ichigo let out a long and terrible laugh. "Renji, did I ever tell you that I love you?"

Renji inched backwards ever so slowly, and replied, "N-no!"

"Good, 'cause I don't intend to. Let's get started on 'Operation Karaoke Kuchiki'!"

* * *

A/N: So, I hope you like it! This was a little more dialogue driven, so I'm sorry if you didn't get enough actual "story". Please drop me a line, as this is my second attempt at fan fiction, and I would love to know how I'm doing, and what I can improve on.

(Also, I must apologize everyone, 'cause I promised that there would be major Byakushi torture soon, but you'll have to keep you're eyes peeled! It's coming sooner than you think! Stay tuned!)


	3. Meanwhile

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, or anything else within this story.

A/N: This one isn't very funny, but it is a necessary portion of the story. I think it'll be better than me attempting to be funny - something that I fail horribly at. I hope you'll like it nonetheless, and that it won't do irreparable damage to your ocular system.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the ivory peace that was the Seireitei, the Rokubantai Taichou was filing away at some paperwork that his lazy lieutenant left unfinished. While he did this, he thought about how he should punish his lieutenant for this indiscretion. _It couldn't be an outright punishment, nor could it be an overly harsh one,_ he thought, _but he must pay. Did he ever think that perhaps I have better things to do? _He sighed inwardly at that thought. _Just_ _whom am I kidding? This place is more boring than listening to Yamamoto-taichou's stupid announcements._

As he mused on that, he began to hum quietly to himself. After all, one could never be quite sure when someone just waltzed into the room. Earlier was different, as it was before official working hours. He comforted himself with that thought, for the very idea of getting caught indulging himself with such a silly and unbecoming activity was simply mortifying. He gave a slight, barely noticeable, and rare smile at his "sneakiness".

* * *

Though one would have never guessed it, Kuchiki Byakuya was quite fond of music. As a child, he always loved it when his mother secretly sang to him, breaking the unspoken rule that nobles should not ever coddle their children in such an unfitting and vulgar manner. When he grew a little older, his fascination with music grew even more. Curiosity getting the better of him, he once snuck out to the Rukongai's First District, and found a small, hole-in-the-wall club that resembled what a modern person living in the Transient World might imagine a Chicago jazz club would look like. They played all sorts of music, and it was such a relief for the Kuchiki prince to go somewhere where court decorum and noble obligation were miles and miles away. The music took him even further.

Sadly, that dream could not last forever, as it is in a dream's nature to float away and leave behind a nice memory. No one ever caught him, thanks to that blasted demon-cat's lessons on shunpou, but he wouldn't risk getting caught again. He wouldn't anger his grandfather for all the music in the world.

As a student in the Shinoh-Reijutsuin, he often went to the Transient World on training missions. On his first mission, he heard music that he had never heard in his life. It was utterly… sublime. He saw it for himself on a strange flickering box that sat in a store window. He watched in sheer amazement as he saw some man sing and dance for a large audience that looked as if it were about to launch into a full-blown, all-out riot. He looked like a fool, but he did it masterfully and with such grace, that even Byakuya had to hand it to him. That moment would change Byakuya for life. It was the moment that he first encountered rock 'n' roll.

After that moment, he secretly began to hoard vinyl records in the deepest, darkest basement of the Kuchiki manor. He found the old record player that the former Gobantai Taichou, Hirako Shinji, used to play his jazz records on; and he sat in the basement listening to the infectious music. He later found out the name of the man that he saw that fateful day, Elvis Presley (if you hadn't already guessed), and sought to collect all of his albums. He was content until he heard a certain other group, The Beatles. He had to collect all of theirs, as well, and so it was that with each new music movement in the living world, Byakuya had at least five albums from it. He was a big fan of the 1970's and 1980's. He was neutral about the 1990's, for he felt that there was too much repetition in the music, but there were some exceptions. By the time that Byakuya made Captain, he had a collection that would be the envy of any mortal collector.

He kept this particular hobby a secret from the Kuchiki Clan. He forbade access to the deep, dark, dungeon-like basement, even threatening death to those who were brave enough to tempt fate. The only person that he ever shared his collection with was his beloved Hisana, and even she never discussed the basement. (What happened in the basement, stayed in the basement.) It was there that Byakuya taught her to dance, and where they shared their first kiss. The best memories of Hisana were in that basement, and set to the music that they shared. Whenever he missed her, he would play the first song that they had danced to, "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin, and it almost seemed as if she was still there, holding out her hand for another dance.

Later on in life, after he became Captain of the Sixth Division, he had shirked his old habits and lost his quick temper. He transformed into something that those who knew him all that time ago would have never recognized -- something that he himself would have never thought possible.

He had become… boring.

He told himself that it was necessary, and that captains were supposed to be serious and stalwart. That didn't mean he had to like it. Did they honestly think that he liked being cruel? Being silent? Being so unbearably smug? To use one of the commoners' vulgar terms: hell no.

However, as his grandfather would say, it was his lot in life, and he would just have to cope with that. He thought he did that quite well, and he _did_seem to pull off the White Emperor thing to perfection. For as long as no one suspected that the ever-intimidating Captain Kuchiki had a heart, he was content. It was a necessary sacrifice.

But no matter how cold he had become, or how much he had distanced himself from the rest of the world, he still had one thing that kept him grounded – that kept a single sliver of "humanity" within him.

* * *

A faint knock on the door of his office transmuted his journey to the farthest reaches of his memory into popped clouds. He invited his guest in with the slightest hint of annoyance, but never let it show. One of his many subordinates, Rikichi, peeked his head into the office. He looked as if he were trembling. Honestly, what was he afraid of?

"Umm… Kuchiki-taichou? I've got some more paperwork for you."

Without so much as a glance upwards, he motioned for the young shinigami to come inside the office. "Just set them over there, Rikichi-kun. I'll get to them in a moment," the White Emperor said with as much ice as he could possibly put into his voice. Whatever god that was there only knew how much he loathed paperwork. He pointed to his noticeably absent lieutenant's desk.

"Ye-yes, Kuchiki-taichou." As soon as he set the papers down, he quickly bowed and started to back away towards the door. When he finally turned to exit, he heard something that was quite possibly the last thing that he wanted to hear that day.

"So, Rikichi-kun, can you tell me the whereabouts of Abarai-fukutaichou? It seems that he is nowhere to be found." To be perfectly honest, he didn't really look all that hard, but the quivering shinigami didn't need to know that.

"Umm… well… I'm not really sure, Kuchiki-taichou. I saw him this morning, but I haven't seen him since. Do you want me to look for him?!" Rikichi said, desperate to both please his captain and get out of said captain's sight.

"There's no need. He will turn up eventually, and when he does, he'll have plenty of things to do."

"Ye-yes, Taichou" the small shinigami said, his eyes casting a relieved look as if he had just survived a Category Five typhoon.

"You're dismissed, Rikichi-kun" Byakuya declared, and with that statement, he let out a really, really loud sneeze.

"Oh, bless you, Kuchiki-taichou!"

"Thank you, Rikichi-kun."

"Are you sick, Taichou? Allergic to something?"

"No, but I have a feeling that someone's talking about me, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say it was our lieutenant doing the talking."

"Do you think it might be that impudent Substitute Shinigami? Do you think it might be both?"

"…Let's pray they're not that stupid", Kuchiki Byakuya said, and with that, Rikichi left the premises like it was on fire. He noticed that the younger shinigami had a strange tattoo on his forehead that resembled Abarai Renji's, but was nowhere near as prominent or ornate.

"I honestly do not know what he sees in that man", he said to himself, "After all, I am obviously more worthy of being a role model. No one should aspire to follow a stray dog".

* * *

A/N: Well, I hope that you liked it. You were expecting Byakushi torture? Well, don't you know that good things come to those who wait? You don't? Oh, well. You still have to wait. I hope that you'll be kind enough to review this silly thing, and that you'll tell me if I screwed up on something. Thank you.

P.S.- There's a poll on my profile where you can vote for what song Byakushi sings next. (I will give you a cyber-cookie if you do.)


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